Wedding Vows to Various Passing Influences
You are the reason I smile in the morning.
I promise to open my mouth wide for you.
You are the reason my teeth glitter like pearls.
I promise I will floss once a day.
Without you, my corn-chip-broken brace would be dangling from my molar like a lost bungee jumper.
Without you, my canines would be invading my nostrils right about now,
So I promise my gums, my jaw, my oral orifices, to you.
I promise, now and forever, to let your sharp metal objects prod at my face.

Today I promise you, sincerely, my heart, even though you have already taken it.
I vow to lock the door and close the blinds when I see you walk past my home;
To take the long route to work so you cannot follow me.
I vow to hide a gun in my nightstand; a knife in my pillowcase;
To keep the police on speed dial.
Today I promise you a restraining order, or two, or three.
I vow to keep you away from me for all my life.

I take you, my once-partner, to be my spouse.
I promise to sleep in a different bed than you every night, unfailingly;
During hate-sex to tell you how small your penis is;
And during shopping trips to tell you how disgusting your Goldfish habit always was.
I vow to think you the scummiest of humans all the days of my life.